Listen, I just don’t think this is working out. I wanted to believe things could work between us, that we could make something out of a bad situation. But I was wrong. Maybe I was naïve to think things would turn around in just two years. Maybe I was just too optimistic for my own good. Maybe. Whatever the case, I now know that I was sadly mistaken.

Lions, I’m sorry, but I think we need to see other people.

I tried to make this work. I really did. I watched every game rooting for you. Even when the naysayers and doubters said you didn’t have what it took to win, I stood by you. I defended you on internet forums and the comment sections of YouTube videos and trust me, things got a little hairy around those parts.

Don’t look at me like that. Okay, I admit that I haven’t been entirely on your side all these years. Yes, I was one of the people pointing and laughing as you fell to 0 – 16 in 2008, becoming the first team to ever do so but I apologized for that! I thought we were past that! It’s not like I didn’t try! I knew that, once you’d seen the bottom, you’d have nowhere to go but up. And up you went. After some key draft picks and some much needed soul-searching, you turned into a team to be taken seriously.

Who would’ve thought? Just three years removed from the worst season in NFL history, you went on to earn your first playoff berth since 1999. Not many NFL teams could boast such a feat. But here we are, less than a full season later and we’re back at square one. We’re out of playoff contention, looking back upon one heartbreaking loss after another. What’s this, four in a row now?

My nerves can’t handle this. The stress of watching close games come down to the wire with us on the losing side. Be it the overtime loss to the Titans or the Thanksgiving Day loss to the Texans, also in overtime, to our last second (literally) loss to the Colts, in which you squandered what was once a very comfortable lead. It’s just too much. I can’t take it anymore. Even after Andrew Luck threw three interceptions, was sacked twice and ended the day with a completion percentage below 50%, you couldn’t close it out. And at the end of the day, none of those statistics matter, do they? When all was said and done, the Colts walked away with the most important statistic of them all, a win.

I think things had already begun to fall apart after you failed to win against the Packers despite Mason Crosby kicking his worst game of the season with three missed field goals and the Packers’ piecemeal starting lineup after injuries sidelined so many of their big names (Clay Matthews, Charles Woodson, Greg Jennings, et. al). Despite all of these things working in your favor, you still couldn’t get it done.

You couldn’t get it done. That’s a familiar phrase I’ve come to associate with you. When the pressure’s on, you crack, falter and crumble.

Why? That’s the question I find myself asking time and time again. Why did you lose? Why do you continue to lose? Was last year’s playoff berth just a fluke? Perhaps. Maybe you’re not as good as I gave you credit for.

I can only make so many excuses for your failures until I’m forced to step back and see this for what it is. And that’s why I can’t do this anymore. There’s only so much abuse one can take before he can stand no more. So, yes, I’m breaking up with you. I thought it would be best if I was honest with you. And since I’m being honest, I’m going to come right out and say it…

It’s not me…it’s you.